Daycare Noir – Part 2

7 08 2014

DAYCARE NOIR – PART 2 – Toilet Humor Edition

It was almost 5pm when I picked up Ellis at daycare. That’s later than usual. Daycare gets a little tense at the end of the day. A sense of impending doom or possibly a group tantrum was in the air.

All the kids from different classes were in the “gym” together. It’s really just a carpeted room with a regulation hoop on one end and chairs scattered about. It’s like an exercise area for people that get tired easily and need a good place to lie down.

There were a couple of card tables set up and two clearly exhausted teachers were sitting at one of them. They were talking to each other while aggressively ignoring a couple of toddlers that kept pulling at their arms. If they were allowed to smoke I think there would have been an overflowing ashtray at the center of the table.

There was a little stereo in the corner of the room and for some reason “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaack was playing.

A boy with one shoe on was running around trying to get everyone to smell his sock. And everyone was smelling it. This was an easily entertained crew.

The teachers pretty much ignored me. At this point they were happy that someone, ANYONE, was going to make one of these demons disappear.

I was walking to find my child when a blonde boy tugged on my jeans. He pointed to about 5 balls that were stuck behind the backboard 10 feet in the air.

“You’re tall” he said. “Can you get those down for me?”

I looked up and realized I would have to jump to get them. Then I thought about how long it had been since I had jumped for any reason at all. I pictured myself landing and all the bones in my body breaking at once – leaving me a pulsing, gelatinous blob on the center of the carpet. I would stay where I landed forever, unable to move or speak, emitting the occasional pitiful groan. The kids would eventually start using me as a beanbag chair.

“I could” I said to the child. “I CHOOSE not to.”

He looked confused. I counted this as a victory.

Ellis was on the floor with her usual posse – her buddy Kynlee, Raymond the spitter, a boy named Jaden who Ellis always calls “little boy” because he hasn’t turned 4 yet, and a quiet fella named Noah who seems to just do what Ellis and Kynlee tell him. I suspect Noah will eventually join the postal service and spend endless hours alone at home – cleaning and loading a massive array of weaponry.

I sat down next to Ellis on the floor. She introduced me to the crew even though they all knew who I was. They were collectively un-impressed.

I guess Ellis felt like she needed to brag on me because the next thing she said was “My daddy can pee-pee standing up. He does it all the time. ”

Amazed silence from the crowd. They just looked at me.

I nodded my head at them.

“Yup” I told them – bragging a little because I CAN pee-pee standing up but rarely get the praise for this I feel I deserve.

“I can too” Jaden spurted out.

Jaden was taking mouth sized chunks out of a Nerf football with his teeth. I doubted his claim but didn’t want to embarrass him in front of his chicks.

“I wanna pee-pee standing up!” yelled Kynlee.

I looked behind me and the teachers were starting to pay a little bit of attention to our gathering.

Ellis stuck out her bottom lip and did her well-practiced pout ” I NEVER get to pee-pee standing up!” she said.

“Um” I said.

“It looks like so much FUN!” Ellis added.

Kynlee nodded.

Jaden acted like he knew all about it.

Noah just looked terrified about all this talk of pee-pee.

“Um” I said.

“Can I practice when I get home daddy?” Ellis begged. “PLEASE!!”

“Um” I reiterated. I had absolutely no idea what to say and couldn’t get the image out of my head of Ellis cruising around the house trying to perfect stand-up urination so she could show off to her friends. And I was dreading the parent/teacher conference that would inevitably follow her first demonstration.

“Yes” I said. “Yes you can. I’ll have Omah help you. ”

Ellis clapped and we got up to walk out. Her little friends staring at us – clearly in awe of my abilities. It felt good to be properly admired.

“Daddy” said Ellis, “Did you know “poo-poo” rhymes with “I Love You”?

I stared at her for a second.

“You are sort of a genius in your own creepy way” I said.

“Yeah” Ellis said and smiled. “I know.”




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