The 4 Year Anniversary

27 02 2015

It’s weird how normal things are – or how normal they seem. Sometimes I think it shouldn’t be this way – shouldn’t feel this way. But it does. 

It seems that Ellis shouldn’t happy and perfect (in a self-absorbed extremely bratty kind of way that I think you would appreciate ). That Carsyn shouldn’t be grown and working and studying and sweet and a great big sister. That Hogan shouldn’t be about to graduate from high school and (despite being a remarkably bad shaver ) giving every sign of coming into his own, ready for the next step. 

It’s harder for Hogan and Carsyn. They don’t have E. 

I got lucky there. 

I’m trying to think of a way to describe what she is like. 

She is a little like me and a little like you – but mostly she is just this whole other weird cool thing. 

She hates getting in the bath but loves STAYING in the bath. 

She asks total strangers for help finding items in the grocery store. 

She loves TV but is suspicious of movies. 

She LOVES dresses but likes to wear pants with them. 

She runs out into the snow, slides down a hill of ice laughing, hits her head at the bottom and cries. Then goes back to the top and does it again. 

She loves flowers but hates bugs. 

She cries and throws fits for little reason – like because the Mac and Cheese was too crunchy. 

She wakes up in the middle of the night to give everybody hugs. 

She is proud of her hair but hates to brush it. 

She likes to make me go get her pizza from the fridge in the middle of the night – just because she can. 

She insists that she can only have one friend at a time at school. When I tell her she can have lots of friends she says “That’s not how it works daddy!” and drops the subject. 

When she is going to sleep she quietly whispers to herself, creating plots about which friend she wants to have the next day. She thinks about the best way to tell the previous day’s friend that they are now out of the picture. 

“SHHHH daddy – I’m thinking”, she says when I try to ask her what the hell she is mumbling about. 

She makes up stories about things she did with you. “Mommy bought me this when I was a baby. “. “Mommy taught me this dance. ” “Mommy said it was ok for me to not take baths any more. “

She has gotten older – so when she is sad and upset with me she sometimes asks for mommy. I think she does this because she knows it will stop me in my tracks, unable to think of what to say. 

She gets philosophical at night – at least as much as a 4 year old can. 

Two nights ago we had this conversation. 

ELLIS: Why did Mommy die?

ME: I don’t know

ELLIS: I wish I had a mommy like everyone else. 

ME: I know. I wish you did too. 

ELLIS: It’s not fair! 

ME: No it’s not. You kinda got screwed on that one. 

ELLIS: (thinking for a bit) Daddy?

ME: Yes E

ELLIS: Will you go get me some pizza from the fridge. I’m hungry. 

And that’s where we are. We are ok, maybe better than ok.  We have Carsyn and Hogan and your family and my family and everyone helps and everyone loves her. 

We are good. Weirdly good. There is pizza in the fridge and E will give me a big hug when I go get it for her. I can’t ask for much more than that. 

We miss you very much. But we are ok. 



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