Kids These Days

27 07 2014


A couple of weeks ago I took E to get a bite to eat at Sweet Bay Coffee Shop.

When we sat down she started pulling stuff out of her backpack. She had a little-bitty container of motor oil – the kind you use for a weed eater – that she had picked up at Wal-Mart on a trip with her Poppie.

“Why do you have oil with you Ellis?” I asked.

She doesn’t look up. She is busy. “It makes things run smoothly” she says.

I made a mental note to restrict the hours she spends with Poppie.

The Carpenters “Just The Two of Us” started playing in the background as Ellis threatened to pull a fire alarm.

Then she opened an imaginary restaurant in the seats outside.

She charged 10 dollars for imaginary fruit salad.

“That seems excessive” I said.

She shrugged. “That’s the price. It’s a good salad. Lots of flavors. ”

I made another mental note. No more “Barefoot Contessa” with Omah.

She was sucking on a strawberry smoothie and eyeing a toddling girl with a giant bow in her hair who was wandering on the patio.

“If You Leave” by OMD started playing. Ellis started dancing a little.

Ellis was now approaching the other child – slow-ly. Very very slowly. Trying not to frighten.

Ellis was on her knees about 10 feet from the kid. She was holding out a Teddy Graham as an enticement, waving it slowly back and forth – luring the child like she would a stray pet – or maybe some kind of prey.

The day before Ellis walked up to me and asked “Could we make a kite from people’s teeth?”

I suppose my answer wasn’t the most appropriate thing.

“Well I guess we could use teeth for the tail of the kite. Maybe the frame. We need something else for the fabric.”

I try to be encouraging.

I’ve decided to parent based on the rules of improv comedy. Say yes to everything. Just go with it.

In retrospect relying on gems of wisdom from Carol Burnett and Robin Williams to form my philosophy of parenthood may have been a bit short sighted.

A while back we were wrestling before she went to sleep and she said “Daddy I’m gonna eat your skin!”. She’s such a cutie.

“No salt?” I said.

She went to get some.

They grow up so fast. One minute they are in diapers. The next they are experimenting with cannibalism.

Those were my thoughts as she lured that be-ribboned toddler. Maybe I should’ve shouted a warning.

Instead I checked to make sure Ellis didn’t have any salt.

The End



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: